The
Island Within
for Ruth Behar
I’m
still thinking about your porch light
like
a full moon casting a foggy halo
in
the frigid air last night, the bare oaks
branching
into the sky like nerve endings
inches
away from the frozen stars,
the
pink gables of your Victorian home
protesting
yet another winter for you
captive
in Ann Arbor as you practice
mambo
by the fireplace. I’m following
your
red-velvet shoes to conga beats
and
bongo taps taking your body, but
not
your life, from the snow mantling
your
windows outside, 1,600 miles
away
from Cuba. I’m tasting the cafecito
you
made, the slice of homemade flan
floating
in burnt sugar like the stories
you
told me you can’t finish writing,
no
matter how many times you travel
through
time back to Havana to steal
every
memory ever stolen from you.
You’re
a thief anyone would forgive,
wanting
only to imagine faces for names
chiseled
on the graves of your family
at
Guanabacoa, walk on Calle Aguacate
and
pretend to meet the grandfather
you
never met at his lace shop for lunch,
or
pray the Kaddish like your mother
at
the synagogue in El Vedado, stand
on
the steps there like you once did
in
a photo you can’t remember taking.
I
confess I pitied you, still trying to reach
that
unreachable island within the island
you
still call home. I thought I was done
with
Cuba, tired of filling in the blanks,
but
now I’m not sure. Maybe if I return
just
once more, walk the sugarcane fields
my
father once cut, drive down the road
where
my mother once peddled guavas
to
pay for textbooks, sit on the porch
of
my grandmother’s house, imagine her
still
in the kitchen making arroz-con-leche—
maybe
then I’ll have an answer for you
last
night when you asked me: Would you
move
to Cuba? Would you die there?
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